Now that frozen human embryos are people, our legal theocratic overlords (and lords are necessarily men) really need to get to work connecting all the God dots for prophet profit.

A human egg cell with surrounding corona radiata Branded frozen human eggs are people: Just think of this as a prophet profit center.

Since it’s already well established that corporations are people, clearly the next step is branded kits for making corporate-owned frozen human embryos in the no privacy of the home you think you own. (We’ll get the necessary other half of equation, sacred frozen man sperm, so don’t get worked up yet.)

Imagine the possibilities.

Genetically engineered branded Amazon human eggs so you can create your own Jeff Bezos clone human embryo at home and have your favorite handmaiden be forced to carry this spawn of Satan to term regardless if it has a brain or not or will survive long enough to form its own Facebook group.

Just log on to Amazon and search frozen human corporate eggs, the Jeffery eggs will come up first, even before the tRUmp, Sam Alito and Clarence Thomas eggs, because this is Amazon. You order your kit, complete with turkey baster impregnator device and Evangelical Christian approved instruction manual, for same day delivery.

You want to do this right away. Follow the defrosting for use directions VERY carefully.

Of course, using your own sperm is considered dangerous. Spill some of your homemade man sperm, or because of bad aim it doesn’t go where it was supposed to, and that will be considered homicide because, of course, every man sperm is SACRED. And of course, fresh or frozen man sperm, is considered people too.

Ovum and sperm fusing together. Scared man sperm doing what it oughter.

And there will be SO MUCH man sperm to choose from. Jeff sperm. Elon sperm. As temping as it will seem, you may want to avoid the tRUmp sperm, because rumors say you can’t trust where it’s been before it was frozen. Same with the St. Matt Gaetz sacred man sperm. Apparently even dedicated, Elon brain-chipped MAGA men think twice about what St. Matt, um, issues.

You don’t want to use your handmaiden’s built in homemade eggs for two reasons: 1) you don’t know what you’ll get, especially if you use your homemade man sperm, and 2) you can harvest the handmaiden eggs to sell to help pay the branded frozen eggs, branded frozen man sperm and the evangelical-approved Amazon-branded impregnation kit.

One note on using your Amazon progenation kit: fail to produce a viable embryo and you could find yourself without a handmaiden. The failure will all be her fault and under Evangelical Christian Law that means mandatory execution in a nitrogen-filled room because she will have killed TWO people – the branded man sperm AND the frozen human egg. Thus, your handmaiden deserves to die. With prejudice.

How will anyone know?

Diagram of a human egg cell. Diagram of a person-egg beloved by God.

Well, AI will report your purchase of the Amazon impregnation kit, frozen egg and frozen sperm to the neighborhood Pro-Life™ Vigilantes, who have a vested interest in your procreation activities. Everyone knows Pro-Life™ Vigilantes are paid on a bounty system and have more than a little vested interest in your success or lack thereof. Expect several visits. Your Ring two-way video doorbell/lock (it watches both inside and outside and decides who comes and goes) is programmed to admit Pro-Life™ Vigilantes whenever they may want to inspect your handmaiden. And you. And your parts. Pro-Life™ Vigilantes are very interested in long inspections of parts, both yours and, especially, your handmaiden.

Yes, there is no money-back guarantee on this. Suing corporations for any sort of wrongdoing or product defect was been made illegal long ago. People corporations can do no wrong.

If successful, your handmaiden carries your little bundle of oy to term, and assuming it has no major physical or cognitive defects, (if it does, that’s another matter for the Pro-Life™ Vigilantes) you can initiate your lease on its life.

Lease? That’s correct. Just like buying a Tesla automobile, you don’t actually control or have ownership of the Sacred Life™ you have created. Each branded frozen egg and branded man sperm has the biological equivalent of digital rights management.

The process of fertilizing an ovum. Detailed instructions like these are included in the branded Amazon impregnation instruction book.

Fail to pay and your Sacred Life™ can be terminated. That will lead to an immediate visit from the Pro-Life™ Vigilantes and there goes your “passive” income from harvesting your handmaiden’s eggs. You should have just stayed with the income from your Goldendoodle puppy mill.

Speaking of mills, 90 percent of Sacred Life™ purchasers choose the white male Sacred Life™ option. The other 10 percent choose the handmaiden Sacred Life™ option because Amazon knows they plan to harvest the eggs to make their own human embryos.

The leases for the embryo handmaiden Sacred Life™ options cost less because your purchase agreement requires you sell the eggs back to Amazon exclusively in an 80-20 percent split. The 20 is you. The 80 goes to a split between Amazon, the license holders on the eggs and sacred man sperm and tRUmpMAGAGQP Inc. LLP, who, as everyone knows, control all life.

So, as we just advised, if money is what you really want to made as opposed to Sacred Life™, stick with the puppy mill.

The final product: A Sacred Life™ eght-cell embryo, at three days.

Really this is just the beginning.

If existing frozen eggs and sacred man sperm are people, what about all the yet-to-be created human eggs and man sperm? What about all the valuable potential Sacred Life™ human embryos Aren’t they deserving personhood and legal too?

It’s more than certain there’s a market for Sacred Life™ that doesn’t exist yet created by the Sacred Life™ that doesn’t exist yet.

BTW – you really should start thinking with your Elon chip-enhanced brain about how you’re going to decorate the nursery for your unborn, unborn Sacred Life™ lives to be. Pro-Life™ Vigilantes are really interested in how you plan to nurture the unborn unborn Sacred Life™ human embryos that you have yet to create or even imagine.

Remember: Procreation is for profit, not pleasure.