↓
 

The Icarian

A Blog About Everything

The Icarian
  • Blog

Post navigation

← Older posts
Newer posts →

Voltaire, Butt-Biting Sex Apes, A Mutilated Slave and Candide

The Icarian

François-Marie Arouet, better known as Voltaire, was born in November 1664 in Paris.

He was the youngest child of a lawyer/civil servant father and a mum who was low-ranking nobility. He had a brother and two sisters. His was a sort of an upper middle class family 350 years ago in Paris.

Voltaire was a French Enlightenment writer, historian, and philosopher. Voltaire is famous for his wit, intellect and cutting criticism of Christianity, especially the Roman Catholic Church. And for writing Candide.

Voltaire was an advocate of free speech, freedom of religion and separation of church and state. Any one of of those things could get you into A LOT of trouble in the late 17th and early 18th centuries.

Voltaire thinking about Candide
“The Best Of All Posssible Worlds” Voltaire thinking about Candide

He was imprisoned twice and temporarily exiled to England once for criticizing the French government. Voltaire wound up doing hard time for a naughty rhyme. A satirical verse accusing the Régent of incest with his daughter resulted in an 11-month, from May 1717 to April 1718, in a windowless cell with 10-foot thick walls in the Bastille.

Candide meets a slave mutil
Candide meets a slave mutilated in the Caribbean sugar fields.

Following his Bastille stint, François-Marie Arouet became Voltaire. The origin of the Voltaire moniker is unclear, but apparently refers to the Arouet’s family’s home area in France. As Voltaire, he kept on writing and kept on being very naughty in various ways.

One fact about Voltaire’s life is certain. Voltaire was one mean writing mo-sheen.

Voltaire wrote in almost every literary genre. He wrote plays, poems, novels and essays. He produced respected historical and scientific works. During an 82-year lifetime, he dashed off more than 20,000 letters while churning out more than 2,000 books and pamphlets. And the guy didn’t even have a typewriter.

But with Candide Voltaire scored his greatest hit writing as a satirist criticizing intolerance, religious dogma, and French institutions of his time.

Voltaire's character Candide encounters Butt Biting Sex Apes
Voltaire’s character Candide encounters Butt Biting Sex Apes

Published under secretive circumstances in 1759, Candide, ou l’Optimisme (Candide, or The Optimist)
simultaneously became a great success and great scandal. Candide was immediately banned due to religious blasphemy, political sedition, and hostility to authority all disguised as naïveté.

This made Voltaire’s wild tale of Candide wildly popular.

Three hundred and sixty years later Candide is considered Voltaire’s magnum opus. Many scholars consider Candide a vital part of literature’s Western canon.

Leonard Bernstein,1955

With its fantastical story line, pointed humor and insightful portrayal of the human condition, Candide has inspired numerous authors and artists to adapt it to their times. Indeed, the concept of gardening with Candide has even spawned an app to sell you gardening stuff. Within this slim novella, Voltaire’s Candide travels the known world, encountering butt-biting sex apes (spoiler alert: it doesn’t end well), the Inquisition, an earthquake and tsunami. Voltaire even manages to highlight the savagery of slavery when Candide meets with a slave mutilated in the French Caribbean sugar cane fields.

And that brings us to Gardening With Candide, or The Optimist Grows It Alone and why Candide is relevant during these new times of plague and political failure. It’s RDScally and the Obstweedles turn at perverting Voltaire’s demented yet insightful adventure yarn.

Nitty gritty details about Voltaire, Candide’s adventures and The Obstweedles’ own HGTV-meets-corona-virus era interpretation is revealed in Part Deux: “The Best Of All Possible Worlds.” It’ll even explain the butt-biting sex apes. Promise.

Meanwhile, here’s a sample track from Gardening With Candide.

Read Candide & other stuff by Voltaire

Candide 1759 book cover

Link to 100% FREE Candide ebook download:

https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/19942

Link to 100% FREE ebooks of other works by Voltaire from Project Gutenberg:

https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/author/913

Post navigation

← Older posts
Newer posts →

People/Places/Things

  • Digital Shadow Management
  • The Icarian Mastodon Feed
  • Pluralistic
  • James Cudziol - Artist/Painter. Buy his art.
  • Ivan Goldman - Author. Buy his books.
  • Paul Horn - Artist/Cartoonist/Author (Not The Jazz Guy). Buy his stuff.
  • Llewellyn Ludlow - Artist/Surfer. Buy his art.
  • Sharleen K. Nelson - Writer/Author/Photographer. Buy her books.
  • Laura Preble - Author. Buy her books.
  • Superbad

Previously

  • Miller And Goebbels: A One-Sided Love Story October 29, 2025
  • The Coming Subprime Car Loan Collapse October 17, 2025
  • Martial Law Would End America As We Know It October 16, 2025
  • Honoré de Balzac – The Human Comedy: Books That Killed Their Authors #8 September 9, 2025
  • Lammas or Lughnasadh? Let The Harvest Begin July 31, 2025
  • Flag Day 2025 June 15, 2025
  • Moron Trade And Tariffs – Economic Sabotage Or Just Stupid? May 4, 2025
  • My Global Normcore Men’s Clothing – Countries Of Origin May 2, 2025
  • What’s Going On With Shipping? Better Watch Sal April 30, 2025
  • Split Size Shoe Orders and Tariffs – Beating The Tax On My Feet April 15, 2025
  • 56 Hours In The Emergency Room – Suffering On A Mass Scale April 4, 2025
  • Truman Capote – Answered Prayers: Books That Killed Their Authors #7 February 2, 2025
  • The Last Weekend Of The United States January 18, 2025
  • Design For Disaster – The 1961 Bel Air Conflagration January 17, 2025
  • Franz Kafka – A Hunger Artist: Books That Killed Their Authors #6 January 6, 2025
  • The Twilight Zone Of Our Democracy – The Brand Is Upon Us December 5, 2024
  • Halloween Came From An Irish Hole In The Ground October 27, 2024
  • Who Was FDR’s FIRST Vice President? No Googling September 5, 2024
  • The Guano Islands Act August 18, 2024
  • Harriet Beecher Stowe – Uncle Tom’s Cabin: Books That Killed Their Authors #5 August 15, 2024
  • The 1934 Business Plot To Overthrow The U.S. Government August 12, 2024
  • The Index of Forbidden Books – The Original Banned Book List August 8, 2024
  • Jane Austen – Persuasion and Sanditon: Books That Killed Their Authors #4 August 5, 2024
  • When Your Emotional Support Animal Needs Your Emotional Support July 16, 2024
  • What If The Internet Had Never Been Invented? June 3, 2024

The Icarian On Mastodon

Public Transit Announcements In SE Asia.Good Advice From Our Southeast Asia Correspondent https://open.substack.com/pub/theicarian/p/public-transit-announcements-in-se

6 February 2026 @ 7:35 pm

HELP! I'm Trapped In the MAGA ReichAnd I Can't Get Out! https://open.substack.com/pub/theicarian/p/help-im-trapped-in-the-maga-reich

6 February 2026 @ 6:46 pm

Meanwhile, Back At The Coffee ShopBarista Buddha https://theicarian.substack.com/p/meanwhile-back-at-the-coffee-shop

5 February 2026 @ 8:05 pm

4 February 2026 @ 7:23 pm

atheistadamx
@ Threads
What stage of capitalism is it when the entire world is run by pedophile rapist murderers in front of your eyes and all you can do is sit and watch as decent humans are being hunted down or executed for helping others?

3 February 2026 @ 11:36 pm

The Many Things Mike Johnson Cannot ImagineLike Due Process And The Constitution
https://substack.com/profile/81709253-the-icarian/note/c-209470090

3 February 2026 @ 8:16 pm

Aiden Wolfe
@AidenWolfe
Obama had to be perfect, morally beyond reproach. Despite exemplifying class & leadership, they STILL crucified him & his family for simply breathing. Trump screws porn stars, gives props to Nazis, alienates allies, pisses all over the Constitution. Crickets. Talk about privilege

3 February 2026 @ 6:22 pm

Going to be tough to make this disappear:
Epstein and magician David Copperfield appeared to have ‘very close relationship’, newly released files say
A 2007 FBI memo said further investigation was needed to determine if they ‘engaged in referring possible victims to each other’. Copperfield has never been charged with illegal conduct and has denied any wrongdoing https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/feb/02/epstein-files-david-copperfield

2 February 2026 @ 8:00 pm

People just found out Kristi Noem's fullname is Kristi Lynn Arnold Noem.Take a moment to figure out why that's going viral

2 February 2026 @ 7:56 pm

Vaiolo BovinoAny Bull or Cow. https://substack.com/profile/81709253-the-icarian/note/c-208081004

31 January 2026 @ 9:28 pm

This site is cookie free. It's also gluetin-free.
©2026 - The Icarian
↑