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Voltaire, Butt-Biting Sex Apes, A Mutilated Slave and Candide

The Icarian

François-Marie Arouet, better known as Voltaire, was born in November 1664 in Paris.

He was the youngest child of a lawyer/civil servant father and a mum who was low-ranking nobility. He had a brother and two sisters. His was a sort of an upper middle class family 350 years ago in Paris.

Voltaire was a French Enlightenment writer, historian, and philosopher. Voltaire is famous for his wit, intellect and cutting criticism of Christianity, especially the Roman Catholic Church. And for writing Candide.

Voltaire was an advocate of free speech, freedom of religion and separation of church and state. Any one of of those things could get you into A LOT of trouble in the late 17th and early 18th centuries.

Voltaire thinking about Candide
“The Best Of All Posssible Worlds” Voltaire thinking about Candide

He was imprisoned twice and temporarily exiled to England once for criticizing the French government. Voltaire wound up doing hard time for a naughty rhyme. A satirical verse accusing the Régent of incest with his daughter resulted in an 11-month, from May 1717 to April 1718, in a windowless cell with 10-foot thick walls in the Bastille.

Candide meets a slave mutil
Candide meets a slave mutilated in the Caribbean sugar fields.

Following his Bastille stint, François-Marie Arouet became Voltaire. The origin of the Voltaire moniker is unclear, but apparently refers to the Arouet’s family’s home area in France. As Voltaire, he kept on writing and kept on being very naughty in various ways.

One fact about Voltaire’s life is certain. Voltaire was one mean writing mo-sheen.

Voltaire wrote in almost every literary genre. He wrote plays, poems, novels and essays. He produced respected historical and scientific works. During an 82-year lifetime, he dashed off more than 20,000 letters while churning out more than 2,000 books and pamphlets. And the guy didn’t even have a typewriter.

But with Candide Voltaire scored his greatest hit writing as a satirist criticizing intolerance, religious dogma, and French institutions of his time.

Voltaire's character Candide encounters Butt Biting Sex Apes
Voltaire’s character Candide encounters Butt Biting Sex Apes

Published under secretive circumstances in 1759, Candide, ou l’Optimisme (Candide, or The Optimist)
simultaneously became a great success and great scandal. Candide was immediately banned due to religious blasphemy, political sedition, and hostility to authority all disguised as naïveté.

This made Voltaire’s wild tale of Candide wildly popular.

Three hundred and sixty years later Candide is considered Voltaire’s magnum opus. Many scholars consider Candide a vital part of literature’s Western canon.

Leonard Bernstein,1955

With its fantastical story line, pointed humor and insightful portrayal of the human condition, Candide has inspired numerous authors and artists to adapt it to their times. Indeed, the concept of gardening with Candide has even spawned an app to sell you gardening stuff. Within this slim novella, Voltaire’s Candide travels the known world, encountering butt-biting sex apes (spoiler alert: it doesn’t end well), the Inquisition, an earthquake and tsunami. Voltaire even manages to highlight the savagery of slavery when Candide meets with a slave mutilated in the French Caribbean sugar cane fields.

And that brings us to Gardening With Candide, or The Optimist Grows It Alone and why Candide is relevant during these new times of plague and political failure. It’s RDScally and the Obstweedles turn at perverting Voltaire’s demented yet insightful adventure yarn.

Nitty gritty details about Voltaire, Candide’s adventures and The Obstweedles’ own HGTV-meets-corona-virus era interpretation is revealed in Part Deux: “The Best Of All Possible Worlds.” It’ll even explain the butt-biting sex apes. Promise.

Meanwhile, here’s a sample track from Gardening With Candide.

Read Candide & other stuff by Voltaire

Candide 1759 book cover

Link to 100% FREE Candide ebook download:

https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/19942

Link to 100% FREE ebooks of other works by Voltaire from Project Gutenberg:

https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/author/913

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  • Honoré de Balzac – The Human Comedy: Books That Killed Their Authors #8 September 9, 2025
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  • Truman Capote – Answered Prayers: Books That Killed Their Authors #7 February 2, 2025
  • The Last Weekend Of The United States January 18, 2025
  • Design For Disaster – The 1961 Bel Air Conflagration January 17, 2025
  • Franz Kafka – A Hunger Artist: Books That Killed Their Authors #6 January 6, 2025
  • The Twilight Zone Of Our Democracy – The Brand Is Upon Us December 5, 2024
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  • Who Was FDR’s FIRST Vice President? No Googling September 5, 2024
  • The Guano Islands Act August 18, 2024
  • Harriet Beecher Stowe – Uncle Tom’s Cabin: Books That Killed Their Authors #5 August 15, 2024
  • The 1934 Business Plot To Overthrow The U.S. Government August 12, 2024
  • The Index of Forbidden Books – The Original Banned Book List August 8, 2024
  • Jane Austen – Persuasion and Sanditon: Books That Killed Their Authors #4 August 5, 2024
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The Icarian On Mastodon

Very appropriate that a big pharma exec would collapse at a Fascist B.S. press conference. Maybe he was overcome by the smell of the Fascist and his lies.
And why would the Fascist care? He got two people killed in a fake assassination attempt just for a photo op and a new slogan. He’s an accessory to murder.
Trump Freezes as GLP-1 Patient Collapses Right Behind Him in Oval Office
https://www.thedailybeast.com/trump-freezes-as-man-collapses-right-behind-him-in-oval-office/

6 November 2025 @ 9:13 pm

Bankruptcy is certainly something he has expertise in creating. “The difference between going bankrupt and thriving, that’s also national security. When you go bankrupt, when you don’t have any money, you have no national security, and we are thriving,” Trump said.

6 November 2025 @ 7:32 pm

Yeah, experts have been saying this all along. An artificial catastrophe completely of his making.
Trump defends tariffs as matter of ‘national security’, saying a supreme court ruling against them would be ‘somewhat catastrophic’ https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/live/2025/nov/06/donald-trump-government-shutdown-venezuela-senate-vote-us-politics-live-news-updates

6 November 2025 @ 7:31 pm

6 November 2025 @ 7:27 pm

6 November 2025 @ 4:49 pm

Democrats set historic records on election night. Here are six of the firsts they accomplished
1. First woman elected as Virginia governor
2. First Muslim woman elected to statewide office in the US
3. First Muslim mayor of New York
4. First woman elected mayor of Detroit
5. First city or town to vote to divest from Israel
6. First state to counter Republicans mid-cycle redistricting
https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025/nov/05/election-democrats-historic-first-wins

5 November 2025 @ 8:07 pm

MAGA likes to come up with "syndromes", imaginary mental illnesses like TDS, tRUmp Derangement syndrome, that they project on to those who oppose them.
Now they seem to have developed one infecting their own: DDS, Democracy Derangement Syndrome.
When Democracy happens to them in free and fair elections they lose their shit because they are losers and their ideas and candidates cannot with without lies and cheating. https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025/nov/05/andrew-cuomo-zohran-mamdani-new-york

5 November 2025 @ 4:41 pm

Leonard Cohen - Democracy https://youtu.be/ifwtWF485HU

5 November 2025 @ 3:45 pm

5 November 2025 @ 5:19 am

AOC: "The Supreme Court has given tRUmp a blank check to continue to commit crimes while in office. So we cannot underestimate the threat and danger of this moment, but we cannot respond to that threat with cowardice."

5 November 2025 @ 5:14 am

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