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Voltaire, Butt-Biting Sex Apes, A Mutilated Slave and Candide

The Icarian

François-Marie Arouet, better known as Voltaire, was born in November 1664 in Paris.

He was the youngest child of a lawyer/civil servant father and a mum who was low-ranking nobility. He had a brother and two sisters. His was a sort of an upper middle class family 350 years ago in Paris.

Voltaire was a French Enlightenment writer, historian, and philosopher. Voltaire is famous for his wit, intellect and cutting criticism of Christianity, especially the Roman Catholic Church. And for writing Candide.

Voltaire was an advocate of free speech, freedom of religion and separation of church and state. Any one of of those things could get you into A LOT of trouble in the late 17th and early 18th centuries.

Voltaire thinking about Candide
“The Best Of All Posssible Worlds” Voltaire thinking about Candide

He was imprisoned twice and temporarily exiled to England once for criticizing the French government. Voltaire wound up doing hard time for a naughty rhyme. A satirical verse accusing the Régent of incest with his daughter resulted in an 11-month, from May 1717 to April 1718, in a windowless cell with 10-foot thick walls in the Bastille.

Candide meets a slave mutil
Candide meets a slave mutilated in the Caribbean sugar fields.

Following his Bastille stint, François-Marie Arouet became Voltaire. The origin of the Voltaire moniker is unclear, but apparently refers to the Arouet’s family’s home area in France. As Voltaire, he kept on writing and kept on being very naughty in various ways.

One fact about Voltaire’s life is certain. Voltaire was one mean writing mo-sheen.

Voltaire wrote in almost every literary genre. He wrote plays, poems, novels and essays. He produced respected historical and scientific works. During an 82-year lifetime, he dashed off more than 20,000 letters while churning out more than 2,000 books and pamphlets. And the guy didn’t even have a typewriter.

But with Candide Voltaire scored his greatest hit writing as a satirist criticizing intolerance, religious dogma, and French institutions of his time.

Voltaire's character Candide encounters Butt Biting Sex Apes
Voltaire’s character Candide encounters Butt Biting Sex Apes

Published under secretive circumstances in 1759, Candide, ou l’Optimisme (Candide, or The Optimist)
simultaneously became a great success and great scandal. Candide was immediately banned due to religious blasphemy, political sedition, and hostility to authority all disguised as naïveté.

This made Voltaire’s wild tale of Candide wildly popular.

Three hundred and sixty years later Candide is considered Voltaire’s magnum opus. Many scholars consider Candide a vital part of literature’s Western canon.

Leonard Bernstein,1955

With its fantastical story line, pointed humor and insightful portrayal of the human condition, Candide has inspired numerous authors and artists to adapt it to their times. Indeed, the concept of gardening with Candide has even spawned an app to sell you gardening stuff. Within this slim novella, Voltaire’s Candide travels the known world, encountering butt-biting sex apes (spoiler alert: it doesn’t end well), the Inquisition, an earthquake and tsunami. Voltaire even manages to highlight the savagery of slavery when Candide meets with a slave mutilated in the French Caribbean sugar cane fields.

And that brings us to Gardening With Candide, or The Optimist Grows It Alone and why Candide is relevant during these new times of plague and political failure. It’s RDScally and the Obstweedles turn at perverting Voltaire’s demented yet insightful adventure yarn.

Nitty gritty details about Voltaire, Candide’s adventures and The Obstweedles’ own HGTV-meets-corona-virus era interpretation is revealed in Part Deux: “The Best Of All Possible Worlds.” It’ll even explain the butt-biting sex apes. Promise.

Meanwhile, here’s a sample track from Gardening With Candide.

Read Candide & other stuff by Voltaire

Candide 1759 book cover

Link to 100% FREE Candide ebook download:

https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/19942

Link to 100% FREE ebooks of other works by Voltaire from Project Gutenberg:

https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/author/913

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  • Honoré de Balzac On Coffee – A Terrible And Cruel Method February 19, 2026
  • Miller And Goebbels: A One-Sided Love Story October 29, 2025
  • The Coming Subprime Car Loan Collapse October 17, 2025
  • Martial Law Would End America As We Know It October 16, 2025
  • Honoré de Balzac – The Human Comedy: Books That Killed Their Authors #8 September 9, 2025
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  • Moron Trade And Tariffs – Economic Sabotage Or Just Stupid? May 4, 2025
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  • Split Size Shoe Orders and Tariffs – Beating The Tax On My Feet April 15, 2025
  • 56 Hours In The Emergency Room – Suffering On A Mass Scale April 4, 2025
  • Truman Capote – Answered Prayers: Books That Killed Their Authors #7 February 2, 2025
  • The Last Weekend Of The United States January 18, 2025
  • Design For Disaster – The 1961 Bel Air Conflagration January 17, 2025
  • Franz Kafka – A Hunger Artist: Books That Killed Their Authors #6 January 6, 2025
  • The Twilight Zone Of Our Democracy – The Brand Is Upon Us December 5, 2024
  • Halloween Came From An Irish Hole In The Ground October 27, 2024
  • Who Was FDR’s FIRST Vice President? No Googling September 5, 2024
  • The Guano Islands Act August 18, 2024
  • Harriet Beecher Stowe – Uncle Tom’s Cabin: Books That Killed Their Authors #5 August 15, 2024
  • The 1934 Business Plot To Overthrow The U.S. Government August 12, 2024
  • The Index of Forbidden Books – The Original Banned Book List August 8, 2024
  • Jane Austen – Persuasion and Sanditon: Books That Killed Their Authors #4 August 5, 2024
  • When Your Emotional Support Animal Needs Your Emotional Support July 16, 2024

The Icarian On Mastodon

https://youtu.be/aaKrmYwaOkk?si=Nx2iADys7kGVeUnn

23 March 2026 @ 11:13 pm

https://youtu.be/mXbpEzVHuzM?si=H3qJWsNdlFhTlDnD

23 March 2026 @ 11:12 pm

AIR TRAVEL IN AMERICA
Wait in line for 3 hours to be patted down and maybe be kidnapped by ICE. If you aren't kidnapped, maybe your plane will crash into a fire truck on the tarmac responding to a call about a fire on a different plane.
The Fascist has successfully turned US airspace into the Strait of Hormuz.

23 March 2026 @ 7:54 pm

Thanks to Wired for reporting what has been known by privacy advocates both in and out of Congress for weeks. Democrat Jim Himes is quietly whipping votes to help Donald Trump and Kash Patel spy on Americans using ChatGPT. Absolutely shameful.

23 March 2026 @ 3:00 am

Humans were given a planet overflowing with trees, fruit, water, medicine, and sunshine and then invented debt, capitalism, and war.And we wonder why space aliens keep a low profile.

23 March 2026 @ 2:38 am

‘Someone knows something’ but it sure ain’t Crash Patel’s FBI or the cops in Arizona.
There’s all kind of surveillance of Americans going on but they can’t find a guy who abducted, and most certainly murdered, a grandma.
So you have a high profile victim having beg for clues that law enforcement should have already tracked down.
In an age of law enforcement impenitence, this is shining example.
‘Someone knows something’: Guthrie family pleads for new information
https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/mar/22/savannah-guthrie-missing-mother-plea

23 March 2026 @ 2:06 am

Some Americans are worried about what used to be the constitution.
The FBI is buying the location data of Americans. Not with warrants. Not with probable cause. With money.
But that should be no surprise.
If you’re on Facebook, you give away your life and rights every day. For free. To Anything For A Buck Zuck. Who sells it for a buck. To a man named Kash.
Hope that explains it.

23 March 2026 @ 1:24 am

"I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic." ~ George Carlin

21 March 2026 @ 10:50 pm

Ooooookay MAGA nutjob.
If you could teleport, why to a Waffle House and not, say, Hawaii?
Maybe that’s why he found his hallucination no fun. Just another MAGA Regime operative. He sure didn’t teleport any aid to anyone.
Top US Fema official claims to have teleported to a Waffle House before
‘Teleporting is no fun,’ Gregg Phillips, picked to lead Fema’s office of response and recovery, has said on a podcast https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/mar/20/fema-gregg-phillips-waffle-house

20 March 2026 @ 10:47 pm

A French journalist Marine Vlahovic was found dead in her home in Marseille while working on a documentary covering Israel's genocidal war against the Palestinians in the Gaza Strip.
Not saying Mossad was involved, but she committed suicide by shooting herself in the back of her head.

19 March 2026 @ 11:58 pm

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