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Voltaire, Butt-Biting Sex Apes, A Mutilated Slave and Candide

The Icarian

François-Marie Arouet, better known as Voltaire, was born in November 1664 in Paris.

He was the youngest child of a lawyer/civil servant father and a mum who was low-ranking nobility. He had a brother and two sisters. His was a sort of an upper middle class family 350 years ago in Paris.

Voltaire was a French Enlightenment writer, historian, and philosopher. Voltaire is famous for his wit, intellect and cutting criticism of Christianity, especially the Roman Catholic Church. And for writing Candide.

Voltaire was an advocate of free speech, freedom of religion and separation of church and state. Any one of of those things could get you into A LOT of trouble in the late 17th and early 18th centuries.

Voltaire thinking about Candide
“The Best Of All Posssible Worlds” Voltaire thinking about Candide

He was imprisoned twice and temporarily exiled to England once for criticizing the French government. Voltaire wound up doing hard time for a naughty rhyme. A satirical verse accusing the Régent of incest with his daughter resulted in an 11-month, from May 1717 to April 1718, in a windowless cell with 10-foot thick walls in the Bastille.

Candide meets a slave mutil
Candide meets a slave mutilated in the Caribbean sugar fields.

Following his Bastille stint, François-Marie Arouet became Voltaire. The origin of the Voltaire moniker is unclear, but apparently refers to the Arouet’s family’s home area in France. As Voltaire, he kept on writing and kept on being very naughty in various ways.

One fact about Voltaire’s life is certain. Voltaire was one mean writing mo-sheen.

Voltaire wrote in almost every literary genre. He wrote plays, poems, novels and essays. He produced respected historical and scientific works. During an 82-year lifetime, he dashed off more than 20,000 letters while churning out more than 2,000 books and pamphlets. And the guy didn’t even have a typewriter.

But with Candide Voltaire scored his greatest hit writing as a satirist criticizing intolerance, religious dogma, and French institutions of his time.

Voltaire's character Candide encounters Butt Biting Sex Apes
Voltaire’s character Candide encounters Butt Biting Sex Apes

Published under secretive circumstances in 1759, Candide, ou l’Optimisme (Candide, or The Optimist)
simultaneously became a great success and great scandal. Candide was immediately banned due to religious blasphemy, political sedition, and hostility to authority all disguised as naïveté.

This made Voltaire’s wild tale of Candide wildly popular.

Three hundred and sixty years later Candide is considered Voltaire’s magnum opus. Many scholars consider Candide a vital part of literature’s Western canon.

Leonard Bernstein,1955

With its fantastical story line, pointed humor and insightful portrayal of the human condition, Candide has inspired numerous authors and artists to adapt it to their times. Indeed, the concept of gardening with Candide has even spawned an app to sell you gardening stuff. Within this slim novella, Voltaire’s Candide travels the known world, encountering butt-biting sex apes (spoiler alert: it doesn’t end well), the Inquisition, an earthquake and tsunami. Voltaire even manages to highlight the savagery of slavery when Candide meets with a slave mutilated in the French Caribbean sugar cane fields.

And that brings us to Gardening With Candide, or The Optimist Grows It Alone and why Candide is relevant during these new times of plague and political failure. It’s RDScally and the Obstweedles turn at perverting Voltaire’s demented yet insightful adventure yarn.

Nitty gritty details about Voltaire, Candide’s adventures and The Obstweedles’ own HGTV-meets-corona-virus era interpretation is revealed in Part Deux: “The Best Of All Possible Worlds.” It’ll even explain the butt-biting sex apes. Promise.

Meanwhile, here’s a sample track from Gardening With Candide.

Read Candide & other stuff by Voltaire

Candide 1759 book cover

Link to 100% FREE Candide ebook download:

https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/19942

Link to 100% FREE ebooks of other works by Voltaire from Project Gutenberg:

https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/author/913

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  • Louisa May Alcott – Jo’s Boys and How They Turned Out: Books That Killed Their Author September 8, 2026
  • “Cadillac Desert”: 40 Years On – Still On The Road To A Reckoning September 2, 2026
  • 50 Books I Read After Watching “The American Revolution” Documentary June 30, 2026
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  • MATT & ANTHONY A NURSING HOME TALE June 6, 2026
  • MARIA & WHY, A NURSING HOME TALE June 6, 2026
  • THE NURSING HOME CONFESSIONAL, A NURSING HOME TALE June 6, 2026
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  • Death On The Covid-19 Quarantine Ward, El Paso – 2020-08-25 June 4, 2026
  • COVID-19 In El Paso The Plague 08/02/20 June 4, 2026
  • Karen Strickholm: A Will To Live When Health Issues Take Everything June 4, 2026
  • Martin Robison Delany: An Extraordinary, Sometimes Contradictory, Figure May 24, 2026
  • Harriet Beecher Stowe – Uncle Tom’s Cabin: Books That Killed Their Authors May 24, 2026
  • The Dog: Childhood Trauma And Our Nation’s Government Sponsored Cruelty May 11, 2026
  • The Dubious Triumph Of Perception As Reality April 27, 2026
  • Honoré de Balzac On Coffee – A Terrible And Cruel Method February 19, 2026
  • Miller And Goebbels: A One-Sided Love Story October 29, 2025

The Icarian On Mastodon

The US nearing a deal to secure potash is some serious 19th century nonsense. This should be an announcement made by William Seward.
https://news.bloombergtax.com/daily-tax-report/trump-says-potash-deal-with-belarus-in-works-amid-canada-fight

21 September 2026 @ 3:29 pm

“A network of roughly 200 registered agents has emerged over the past 25 years, pulling out-of-state drivers into Montana’s lenient vehicle rules.”
https://news.bloombergtax.com/daily-tax-report-state/utah-takes-montana-license-plate-fight-to-80-000-vehicle-owners

8 September 2026 @ 3:25 pm

I’d like to see a Venn diagram of the 30% of folks that think everything is going well and people that eat vegetables and prefer to do so without the fear of their insides melting out of their body.

1 September 2026 @ 6:50 pm

MA rolling stock tax, or: how to create a reverse carbon tax in one easy step.
https://news.bloombergtax.com/tax-insights-and-commentary/massachusetts-truck-taxes-need-revamp-beyond-adding-an-exemption

1 September 2026 @ 1:08 pm

When it comes to property tax policy, accurate assessments is a necessary but not sufficient condition. A property can be accurately assessed and still price a resident out of their home. Philly looks poised to become a case study of that interplay in action.
https://news.bloombergtax.com/tax-insights-and-commentary/week-in-insights-philly-home-assessments-raise-taxing-questions

30 August 2026 @ 2:10 pm

Why is it when level-headed folks mention the horrors of the Third Reich, they often feel it necessary to throw in the USSR? It feels like a “bad people on both sides” kind of reflexive impulse. Do we have a current, burgeoning Stalinist problem in this country?

28 August 2026 @ 3:44 pm

Agencies change the CFR by writing instructions into the rules they publish — "Amend § 52.2120 by revising paragraph (c)," etc. Those instructions are the agency's own account of what it is changing.
https://frtracker.app/research/which-rules-amended-this-regulation

27 August 2026 @ 4:04 pm

FRTracker could always tell you a rule related to 40 CFR part 52, it can now tell you the rule addresses § 52.2120. https://frtracker.app/amendments

27 August 2026 @ 4:04 pm

I hope researchers working in these areas are as proud as we in the general public are thankful for their efforts. These are my favorite kinds of stories. When the rest of the news offers nothing uplifting, I seek them out.
https://www.fda.gov/news-events/press-announcements/fda-approves-first-class-targeted-therapy-metastatic-pancreatic-cancer

27 August 2026 @ 12:33 am

First-rate reporting by David at FOIAball, as per usual.
https://www.foiaball.com/p/xx-xy-athletics-wnba-outrage-lario-oil-family?utm_source=www.foiaball.com&utm_medium=newsletter&utm_campaign=the-right-wing-oil-fortune-behind-the-firm-stoking-wnba-outrage

26 August 2026 @ 10:23 pm

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