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Voltaire, Butt-Biting Sex Apes, A Mutilated Slave and Candide

The Icarian

François-Marie Arouet, better known as Voltaire, was born in November 1664 in Paris.

He was the youngest child of a lawyer/civil servant father and a mum who was low-ranking nobility. He had a brother and two sisters. His was a sort of an upper middle class family 350 years ago in Paris.

Voltaire was a French Enlightenment writer, historian, and philosopher. Voltaire is famous for his wit, intellect and cutting criticism of Christianity, especially the Roman Catholic Church. And for writing Candide.

Voltaire was an advocate of free speech, freedom of religion and separation of church and state. Any one of of those things could get you into A LOT of trouble in the late 17th and early 18th centuries.

Voltaire thinking about Candide
“The Best Of All Posssible Worlds” Voltaire thinking about Candide

He was imprisoned twice and temporarily exiled to England once for criticizing the French government. Voltaire wound up doing hard time for a naughty rhyme. A satirical verse accusing the Régent of incest with his daughter resulted in an 11-month, from May 1717 to April 1718, in a windowless cell with 10-foot thick walls in the Bastille.

Candide meets a slave mutil
Candide meets a slave mutilated in the Caribbean sugar fields.

Following his Bastille stint, François-Marie Arouet became Voltaire. The origin of the Voltaire moniker is unclear, but apparently refers to the Arouet’s family’s home area in France. As Voltaire, he kept on writing and kept on being very naughty in various ways.

One fact about Voltaire’s life is certain. Voltaire was one mean writing mo-sheen.

Voltaire wrote in almost every literary genre. He wrote plays, poems, novels and essays. He produced respected historical and scientific works. During an 82-year lifetime, he dashed off more than 20,000 letters while churning out more than 2,000 books and pamphlets. And the guy didn’t even have a typewriter.

But with Candide Voltaire scored his greatest hit writing as a satirist criticizing intolerance, religious dogma, and French institutions of his time.

Voltaire's character Candide encounters Butt Biting Sex Apes
Voltaire’s character Candide encounters Butt Biting Sex Apes

Published under secretive circumstances in 1759, Candide, ou l’Optimisme (Candide, or The Optimist)
simultaneously became a great success and great scandal. Candide was immediately banned due to religious blasphemy, political sedition, and hostility to authority all disguised as naïveté.

This made Voltaire’s wild tale of Candide wildly popular.

Three hundred and sixty years later Candide is considered Voltaire’s magnum opus. Many scholars consider Candide a vital part of literature’s Western canon.

Leonard Bernstein,1955

With its fantastical story line, pointed humor and insightful portrayal of the human condition, Candide has inspired numerous authors and artists to adapt it to their times. Indeed, the concept of gardening with Candide has even spawned an app to sell you gardening stuff. Within this slim novella, Voltaire’s Candide travels the known world, encountering butt-biting sex apes (spoiler alert: it doesn’t end well), the Inquisition, an earthquake and tsunami. Voltaire even manages to highlight the savagery of slavery when Candide meets with a slave mutilated in the French Caribbean sugar cane fields.

And that brings us to Gardening With Candide, or The Optimist Grows It Alone and why Candide is relevant during these new times of plague and political failure. It’s RDScally and the Obstweedles turn at perverting Voltaire’s demented yet insightful adventure yarn.

Nitty gritty details about Voltaire, Candide’s adventures and The Obstweedles’ own HGTV-meets-corona-virus era interpretation is revealed in Part Deux: “The Best Of All Possible Worlds.” It’ll even explain the butt-biting sex apes. Promise.

Meanwhile, here’s a sample track from Gardening With Candide.

Read Candide & other stuff by Voltaire

Candide 1759 book cover

Link to 100% FREE Candide ebook download:

https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/19942

Link to 100% FREE ebooks of other works by Voltaire from Project Gutenberg:

https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/author/913

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The Icarian On Mastodon

A French journalist Marine Vlahovic was found dead in her home in Marseille while working on a documentary covering Israel's genocidal war against the Palestinians in the Gaza Strip.
Not saying Mossad was involved, but she committed suicide by shooting herself in the back of her head.

19 March 2026 @ 11:58 pm

The United States has threatened to drop their biggest bomb on Iran.
B-52s are being loaded with DVDs of the Melania documentary.

19 March 2026 @ 11:48 pm

Checkmate. Putin wins.
The best part is this is a sanctioned tanker loaded with oil that WAS sanctioned until The Fascist lifted the sanctions. It didn't even take 24 hours for Putie to load up a tanker that will break our Cuba blockade.
Russian oil tanker heading to Cuba amid US economic blockade
Vessel with 730,000 barrels of crude set to reach Cuba on 23 March, according to maritime data, after Donald Trump said he expects to have ‘honour of taking’ country https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/mar/19/cuba-us-economic-blockade-trump-russian-oil-tanker

19 March 2026 @ 11:47 pm

https://youtu.be/bKvzalEdywk?si=99zikWkHx673pcGu

18 March 2026 @ 1:02 am

https://youtu.be/oIFp04dB8_8?si=rMQA2ulJa_Q6bWQS

17 March 2026 @ 9:39 pm

https://youtu.be/oIFp04dB8_8?si=rMQA2ulJa_Q6bWQS

17 March 2026 @ 9:38 pm

https://youtu.be/G-V8HYXoWPY?si=F9owcFFstGLGE8Da

17 March 2026 @ 9:36 pm

https://youtu.be/QKNDRA4KQF0?si=Gm1NJ5I3kWy93Gww

17 March 2026 @ 9:35 pm

https://open.substack.com/pub/theicarian/p/murphys-irish-stout-out-of-stock?r=1cnb9h&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=true

17 March 2026 @ 7:40 pm

We'll All Go Riding on A Rainbow https://youtu.be/IrA_YB5aG2w?si=PlB4CtbnjGJ5XhVN

16 March 2026 @ 9:39 pm

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