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Voltaire, Butt-Biting Sex Apes, A Mutilated Slave and Candide

The Icarian

François-Marie Arouet, better known as Voltaire, was born in November 1664 in Paris.

He was the youngest child of a lawyer/civil servant father and a mum who was low-ranking nobility. He had a brother and two sisters. His was a sort of an upper middle class family 350 years ago in Paris.

Voltaire was a French Enlightenment writer, historian, and philosopher. Voltaire is famous for his wit, intellect and cutting criticism of Christianity, especially the Roman Catholic Church. And for writing Candide.

Voltaire was an advocate of free speech, freedom of religion and separation of church and state. Any one of of those things could get you into A LOT of trouble in the late 17th and early 18th centuries.

Voltaire thinking about Candide
“The Best Of All Posssible Worlds” Voltaire thinking about Candide

He was imprisoned twice and temporarily exiled to England once for criticizing the French government. Voltaire wound up doing hard time for a naughty rhyme. A satirical verse accusing the Régent of incest with his daughter resulted in an 11-month, from May 1717 to April 1718, in a windowless cell with 10-foot thick walls in the Bastille.

Candide meets a slave mutil
Candide meets a slave mutilated in the Caribbean sugar fields.

Following his Bastille stint, François-Marie Arouet became Voltaire. The origin of the Voltaire moniker is unclear, but apparently refers to the Arouet’s family’s home area in France. As Voltaire, he kept on writing and kept on being very naughty in various ways.

One fact about Voltaire’s life is certain. Voltaire was one mean writing mo-sheen.

Voltaire wrote in almost every literary genre. He wrote plays, poems, novels and essays. He produced respected historical and scientific works. During an 82-year lifetime, he dashed off more than 20,000 letters while churning out more than 2,000 books and pamphlets. And the guy didn’t even have a typewriter.

But with Candide Voltaire scored his greatest hit writing as a satirist criticizing intolerance, religious dogma, and French institutions of his time.

Voltaire's character Candide encounters Butt Biting Sex Apes
Voltaire’s character Candide encounters Butt Biting Sex Apes

Published under secretive circumstances in 1759, Candide, ou l’Optimisme (Candide, or The Optimist)
simultaneously became a great success and great scandal. Candide was immediately banned due to religious blasphemy, political sedition, and hostility to authority all disguised as naïveté.

This made Voltaire’s wild tale of Candide wildly popular.

Three hundred and sixty years later Candide is considered Voltaire’s magnum opus. Many scholars consider Candide a vital part of literature’s Western canon.

Leonard Bernstein,1955

With its fantastical story line, pointed humor and insightful portrayal of the human condition, Candide has inspired numerous authors and artists to adapt it to their times. Indeed, the concept of gardening with Candide has even spawned an app to sell you gardening stuff. Within this slim novella, Voltaire’s Candide travels the known world, encountering butt-biting sex apes (spoiler alert: it doesn’t end well), the Inquisition, an earthquake and tsunami. Voltaire even manages to highlight the savagery of slavery when Candide meets with a slave mutilated in the French Caribbean sugar cane fields.

And that brings us to Gardening With Candide, or The Optimist Grows It Alone and why Candide is relevant during these new times of plague and political failure. It’s RDScally and the Obstweedles turn at perverting Voltaire’s demented yet insightful adventure yarn.

Nitty gritty details about Voltaire, Candide’s adventures and The Obstweedles’ own HGTV-meets-corona-virus era interpretation is revealed in Part Deux: “The Best Of All Possible Worlds.” It’ll even explain the butt-biting sex apes. Promise.

Meanwhile, here’s a sample track from Gardening With Candide.

Read Candide & other stuff by Voltaire

Candide 1759 book cover

Link to 100% FREE Candide ebook download:

https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/19942

Link to 100% FREE ebooks of other works by Voltaire from Project Gutenberg:

https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/author/913

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Previously

  • 50 Books I Read After Watching “The American Revolution” Documentary June 30, 2026
  • Harry Partch – The Outsider Who Refused To Come In June 23, 2026
  • America Getting Screwed By The Screwworm June 18, 2026
  • THE CARE & FEEDING OF YOU – FINAL TALE FROM THE NURSING HOME June 7, 2026
  • THAT NDE NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE & ME June 7, 2026
  • Diné Culture YÁ’ÁT’ÉÉH, PEOPLE June 6, 2026
  • CHAPTER THREE. MEDICAL CRASH AND BURN June 6, 2026
  • Emotional Support Chickens, Theft! Cluck Yeah, A NURSING HOME TALE June 6, 2026
  • MATT & ANTHONY A NURSING HOME TALE June 6, 2026
  • MARIA & WHY, A NURSING HOME TALE June 6, 2026
  • THE NURSING HOME CONFESSIONAL, A NURSING HOME TALE June 6, 2026
  • STILL HERE! A NURSING HOME TALE June 5, 2026
  • Dying… Or Not. How People Die. Better Days June 5, 2026
  • Made It Through Long Covid-19! A Bed In Roswell June 5, 2026
  • Death On The Covid-19 Quarantine Ward, El Paso – 2020-08-25 June 4, 2026
  • COVID-19 In El Paso The Plague 08/02/20 June 4, 2026
  • Karen Strickholm: A Will To Live When Health Issues Take Everything June 4, 2026
  • Martin Robison Delany: An Extraordinary, Sometimes Contradictory, Figure May 24, 2026
  • Harriet Beecher Stowe – Uncle Tom’s Cabin: Books That Killed Their Authors May 24, 2026
  • The Dog: Childhood Trauma And Our Nation’s Government Sponsored Cruelty May 11, 2026
  • The Dubious Triumph Of Perception As Reality April 27, 2026
  • Honoré de Balzac On Coffee – A Terrible And Cruel Method February 19, 2026
  • Miller And Goebbels: A One-Sided Love Story October 29, 2025
  • The Coming Subprime Car Loan Collapse October 17, 2025
  • Martial Law Would End America As We Know It October 16, 2025

The Icarian On Mastodon

I get why it may be the case with big name players, but why on earth do teams wait until the last minute of the trade deadline to swap one guy with negative WAR for another?

3 August 2026 @ 7:33 pm

“TIGTA found that 14 employees who lacked authorization entered restricted areas where sensitive taxpayer documents were … stored — on 1,375 separate occasions.”
Uhh…
https://news.bloombergtax.com/tax-insights-and-commentary/week-in-insights-irs-should-secure-paper-before-eliminating-it

3 August 2026 @ 7:00 pm

Luis Arraez is just old enough that he would have grown up dreaming of being a perennial favorite for the batting title but now we’re all just like ehh yeah we don’t really care about that anymore. We’ll pay you, like, a middle reliever salary.

3 August 2026 @ 2:35 pm

I can’t explain how hard I’m rooting for the yotes. Spin up an HOA. Claim adverse possession. Seize more territory. Just keep going.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2026/08/01/coyotes-overtake-abandoned-housing-development-vexing-neighbors/

1 August 2026 @ 10:26 pm

When you frame it as “well I’m paying Scholastica a few hundred bucks so that other people can tell me my ideas are trash” it kind of completes the masochistic cycle.

1 August 2026 @ 3:20 pm

Why aren’t pickoff attempts just balls?

1 August 2026 @ 4:05 am

Can I just ask, and, I mean, if this has already been answered then I apologize. But the “Iran will not have a nuclear weapon” stuff. What does that have to do with bombing energy targets? That little reflexive defense of escalation, is there any thought behind it at all or nah?

1 August 2026 @ 1:27 am

Okay but just answer the question, have we tried injecting the troops with the fluid drained from POTUS ankles?

31 July 2026 @ 3:35 pm

I want someone to do a deep dive on a photo of an ICE agent and tell me what currently-in-bankruptcy mall store he bought his “tactical” “gear” from. I just know some of that stuff came with a free ninja star.

31 July 2026 @ 3:29 pm

Cannot recommend writing based on findings from instrumentation you built. When you’d ordinarily be able to just say “this clown didn’t think of xyz,” you remember.
You’re the clown.

30 July 2026 @ 2:23 am

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